A Diary Entry

"14 July 2023,

This evening, I was sitting out on the terrace observing things around me. I sat there for more than an hour. The initial idea was not to observe but to just sit down and relax for a few minutes as I was feeling tired after playing with my sister. The loop of observations began with me looking up at the sky and seeing dark clouds on one side of it. This reminded me of floods, landslides, and cloudbursts occurring in different parts of the mountains in the Himalayan regions. The things around me seemed quiet and peaceful. The plants and trees were blooming with greenery and looked so fresh due to the constant rain falling upon them in the past few days. Although my heart was in a great level of grief for the people dying due to the climatic disasters, I still felt very relieved and grateful to be in a safer place. The thing is, that I don't usually sit outside to observe my surroundings and hence, everything around me seemed so magical.

The sky had started to get darker and I could see a few stars up there. Looking at them for a few minutes made me get tears in my eyes. I've no idea how but I started wondering about the purpose of existence. I wanted to cry. I was questioning myself again and again that if such huge stars can appear to be so small in this vast sky, then what and how small am I? 

I tried to meditate on the thought of it. I closed my eyes but couldn't focus. Abruptly, everything around me seemed so loud and chaotic. At this point, I was observing a lot more happening around me, even having my eyes closed. My ears kept shifting their focus from the sound of bhajans that were being played somewhere far away to the sound of temple bells my grandma was ringing to the sound of utensils from the kitchen. Okay here, all other sounds disappeared and I began to think of what Mum must be cooking for dinner.

A loud "didi" in my sister's voice interrupted my thoughts. She was asking me to come inside. I refused and started looking at the houses nearby. Some people had lightened up the electric bulbs outside their houses whereas some had lit a fire outside the house - people do it in monsoon for the smoke to keep the mosquitos away. Amidst this all, I saw a firefly flying past me. This took me back to the thoughts of the purpose of existence. I looked up at the sky, it had gotten much darker. I could now see more stars. I saw a star traveling at a very fast speed across the sky. While trying to follow its path through my eyes, I noticed another star coming with the same speed from the opposite direction. They crossed paths at one point and as they kept moving forward in their directions, it was hard for me to follow both of them at the same time. Eventually, I lost the track of one of them. I followed the other star for a long time until it disappeared behind the dark clouds - which weren't even visible to me now, in the dark sky.

My eyes shifted from this to the mountains, far in front of me. It was all dark and people living in those mountains had also lit up bulbs outside their houses. The light of the bulb is the indicator that there's a house. Those lights flicker due to the varying density of the air and seem to twinkle just like the stars in the sky. Hence, when you look at the mountain from far, it appears like a part of the sky with many groups of stars. There were certain places in these mountains, where I saw only one light among all the dark surrounding. I wondered how people live there all alone amid dense pine forests. 

I have been seeing these mountains since childhood. Over the years, I've seen the number of lights decreasing in some parts of those mountains. Those people must have migrated to the cities in the plateaus. I suddenly saw a bulb being lit up at a house on the same hill where my home is located - but at some distance from my house. There are three more houses beside but only this house is inhabited. I remember one of the houses next to that one was also inhabited a few years back...they too have migrated now."

Let People Love You

"Hey, I'm sorry i contact you only when I'm confused but..."

"Yeah say what happened now?"

"No, actually i was asking that how are you? I mean it's been long since..."

"No formalities, please. Directly come to the point as you always do! Why are you being so formal?"

"This is the point itself. Hadn't seen you in a while so thought of asking if you're okay."

"I'm concerned if you are okay!? You never behave like this. See even if it's a big matter, I'll try to help you figure it out. No need of all this alright?"

"Do you seriously think I'm that selfish? Can't i care about people?"

"I think you are the one who needs to be cared for. People can wait."

"Are you THAT satisfied with life that you don't need anyone to talk about your problems or care for you or you don't have any problems at all?"

"No, but they're minor problems. Can be solved easily."

"Still, don't you sometimes feel low or feel like not talking to anyone? Or maybe wish that you had someone to share your emotions with?"

"Why you never thought about this earlier? When you directly jump into talking about your issues without even asking if I'm okay? Why don't you think this way when you start arguing about YOUR problems as if they're mine without even thinking if I'm in a mood to talk or if I'm stuck in a bad situation myself?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, but you don't have to fake this formality for a day just to ensure that someday i don't stop talking to you."

"Since when haven't we talked?"

"I don't know, it's been months i guess"

"And didn't you think of checking out on me even once in all these months?"

"No, because i know you yourself rush to me whenever you're in a problem, so there's no need to check out on you! I thought you were having a good life!"

"Ah, and i was thinking of you all the time. I had very difficult situations in between but never contacted you because i was afraid of losing you. I was afraid if letting you heal me makes me a selfish person. I was afraid that will i ever be able to pay you all this back?"

"Then why did you text me today? Is it that you're confused about this now?"

"No, i was confused till the past few days. I thought I'll never talk to you because I'm not even in a condition to ask if you're okay. I take all the care from you but give nothing back from my side."

"Hey, listen up! I'm glad you gave it a thought and texted me today but there's no need to complicate things. Sometimes you just need to let people love you. It's okay if you can't pay the love back right after because the people who really love you don't expect it either! They just love you unconditionally. And if someday you find yourself in a situation to ask about their well-being and care for them, then don't back off. But until you don't heal yourself fully, it's not necessary to push yourself to think of all this."

"Yeah but..."

"No 'buts' now. You can come to me anytime alright? Don't be so formal, at least with me! I'm always here."

"Okay, but..umm...just one time, please! 

How're you? Is everything okay in life? Not asking with the intent of paying you back but just wanted to know."

"Alright! I'm good and life's going fine! Thanks for asking."

"I had a question"

"Ask"

"You said that people who love us, don't expect anything in return but if you love me, why didn't the thought of my well-being bother you?"

"Because i thought i know you well. I never imagined that you would be thinking this way about me. I always consider myself as someone whose duty is to help you heal, and i thought that whenever you are in a problem, you come to me. But now i know that you don't. I was glad that we were not having a conversation because i thought the reason behind it is your happiness. Now I've added one more task to my duty!"

"And what's that task?"

"To check on you."

"Isn't it too formal?"

"No, because your happiness is all that matters to me."

"You'll always be special to me."

"Glad to hear!"

***

Sometimes you meet people who love you without any expectations, but due to self-doubt, you often push them away. You don't actually want them to stay away from you but you get the guilt of not loving them back equally. Sometimes, not talking about your issues might weaken your bonds with your close ones. So it's better to discuss what you feel and expect from a person. There will always be a better way and solution to it!

"Sometimes, you need to let people love you."

If My Pen Could Speak

If my pen could Speak, it would tell you how many things i wrote about you without letting you know, it would tell you about the times when i was so hopelessly in love with you.

If my pen could speak it would tell you when i was hurt with your words and when i loved your admirable compliments about me.

It would also tell you about the feelings i always wanted to confess but never did, it would tell you how i used to remember you after reading any romance novel, it would tell you about the fictional characters I used to relate you with and it would tell you about how hearing your name anywhere used to generate a poetry within me. 

If my pen could speak, it would tell you about those unsent letters i wrote for you, it would tell you about the nights my tears got converted into words.

It would tell you everything I wanted to speak but ended up writing instead.

And, if my pen could speak, it would tell you the stories, the rest of the world is never going to hear:)

Love or what?

"Okay so, have you ever been in a situation where you love someone but you aren't sure?"

"Well, firstly if that's the case, I don't think its love. Because use this word itself carries lots of meanings"

"I don't understand. There's a situation given and whatever you said isn't an explanation for it!"

"I know. But give it a second thought. Make sure that the thing you're calling as love is actually love in the first place."

"Hmm, got you now."

"Great! Now, what's the actual situation?"

"Yeah so, there's something like a craving for warmth or a wish to feel a sense of belonging from a person but you are confused that is it is love or not!?"

"A person in specific?"

"Don't know. It's like no one has treated you that way before and when this specific person does certain things, you feel good and don't wanna resist."

"Okay so it's more like, no matter whoever has been at that person's place, the situation would still have been the same!"

"Yeah! Like it's not about a particular person but the behavior I'm getting. It's more of a 'me feeling'"

"Maybe not a 'me' feeling but the incompleteness you have within."

"Exactly! I wanted to feel the completeness in myself first. I wanted to be enough for myself and enjoy my space and heal thru! But now all this... I'm confused. Why am I getting something i don't want and I'm still going on with it?"

"So this is probably why you think you might be in love. But hold on, you're not getting something you don't want. It's that you're getting something you want but at the wrong time. And this is what's confusing you!"

"Probably yes."

"So, are you willing to continue?"

"Not sure though! But yeah I'm going with it and not hoping any good for the future."

"Or maybe you're not wanting a future with it?"

"You're not wrong but neither completely right."

"See it's the age where such things happen and it's fine to be confused about feelings. Just don't get too intense that you're unable to move on even when you want to discontinue."

"Ahhh thanks. Let it be. It's not something I REALLY want but obviously something I'm lacking in life and maybe that's why I ain't resisting anything."

"Hmm... it's not love but something kinda close to it. Make sure you don't end up hurting yourself or other people knowingly. Make everything clear at the start."

"Sure!"

How was your day?

Hey, why not have a little talk right here?

So,

It was a tough day,

and the things that happened were not bearable for your heart, right?

But you're still here, telling yourself to smile and keep up with life as if nothing happened.

Do you think it's fine?

Do you think it's fine to lie to yourself?

Some people will advise you to fake it because no one cares right?

But you have to care! Cause the World is too cold to expect anything from, but you my love are the only one who knows what's going on inside you.

Isn't it you who's trying to find comfort in people and ends up getting hurt?

You know why that's happening?

It's 'cause there's a void within you and you're expecting anyone else to fill it.

Do you think you're not capable enough to fill it yourself?

You are! There's nothing you can't do.

You gotta feel complete yourself first cause the only pure kind of love is self-love.

Wait, have you been told that thinking of yourself is called selfishness?

Well if that's the case, know it isn't.

If not you then who else is gonna love you?

If not you then who else is gonna think of you?

You don't have to stop loving yourself for the sake of others.

You might be thinking about how to fill the void right?

Okay, it's not something you just say and happen.

It's a process (yeah a long one)

But you have to cherish the little things in life (they're not ACTUALLY little though)

Well this is hard done than said

But atleast you can believe in yourself right?

Time carries some magic, if not today, you'll be happy one day for sure.

You're not okay today, so don't act like you are because one day you'll be so good that you won't even need to say it!

(Be a believer, that's the key)

Well, your day, that's still hurting you and you're constantly trying to escape.

Moving out of a toxic environment is not that easy!

And running away from it won't solve the problem either.

But that thing has ruined your every day for so long right?

Here, observe closely 

You have been trying to escape from things daily but the problems still come in your way...

How about facing the things you're afraid of?

You haven't tried it yet I know

You'll obviously get panicked at first but your fears are in your mind only

Once you face them, 

they seem like nothing but a task you gotta fulfill!

Okay, and I'm not saying that you have to stay in a toxic environment!

Once you face the fears and win at them,

Slowly you'll get out of it!

You might have some more bad days ahead

'Cause things don't change overnight.

As I said, it's a process and you have to be a believer!

Lastly, don't be hopeless on your bad days cause the good days aren't far!

So now, tell yourself that you're going to give your SELF all the love it deserves and not going to fake it until you actually make it!

Not sure if I made you feel even a little better but all I can say is, once you start the process of self-love, the control is in your hands. It's never too late to start a new journey. Just go for it!

Well, you're a part of the universe and hence, from the immense amount of love the universe contains, there's a share for you too!

Now, bye!

Start your journey, will meet you sometime and have a conversation about your day:)

IT'S OKAY

To everyone who's struggling in their lives, just know that you're doing your best

Every person has their own struggles (different than others) and sometimes we expect people to understand what we're going through. But remember that it's okay even if they don't get you. Their struggles and situations might be different than yours and hence, it might be hard for them to understand. It's only you who can feel your pain. People can sympathize with you but never get it until they're at your place themselves.

I know you seek emotional support. You need someone to help you out or comfort you. And it hurts so bad when people (those who seem closer) don't treat you the way you want to be treated. It breaks you down. The world seems to be the worst place. 

In such situations, you feel like being dead. You wish you never existed. You don't want to live but don't want to die either. I know this is the toughest situation one can ever be in. You feel like running away from everyone and everything. You want an escape from the reality. 

Whenever you find yourself so lost, remember that you've gone through a lot all alone and still survived! You're here cause YOU'RE MEANT TO BE. God has plans for you!

Life's not a piece of cake for anyone but for some, it's a little more harder than others. And when life gets complicated, IT'S OKAY to feel low. After all, we all are humans with emotions! Hence IT'S OKAY to break down sometimes. IT'S OKAY to cry your heart out whenever you feel like it. 

This is a journey. You're not meant to give up. Life chose to be tough on you so you've to choose to be tougher! IT'S OKAY if sometimes, it requires you to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable also requires a lot of courage. There will be some people telling you to stay strong and stop crying but remember, crying makes you no weaker. Never ever let 'anyone' tell you that you're weak. You're strong cause not everyone can survive the hard times but you did.

Applause yourself for getting out of bed everyday even when you don't feel like moving. There are days you might not feel alive but remember, deep down you know that you deserve better things. See, it's only you who wants people to treat you better. You know why you want that? Because you know that you deserve it! You know that you're struggling a lot and still making your way through life and you deserve something good for doing this much. 

So when you know it all, why wait for others? Be your own cheerleader! Yeah i know it's not as easy as it seems but these are just the circumstances that are holding you back. YOU ARE A WINNER. Don't let these things dominate you.

Now, coming to people again, i know people around you create a huge impact on your life. Some of them really want to help you but don't know how to. But the others...they don't care what is going on with you and always try to tell you that your problems are so small to stress over. They make you feel inferior and that's where you start doubting yourself but hey, these people are not literate enough to acknowledge what mental health means and how it gets affected.

Many will tell you to avoid such people but that's actually very hard. Especially when you're at a crucial phase, it takes a lot to gather the courage of eliminating toxic people from your life. There might be different reasons (they might be close to you and if not, your current situation is somehow so unmanageable that these people stay in your life anyhow).

Now we gotta find a solution to this right? See, things might not go the same for everyone but here's something that can help. Try new things! I know this is so common to say but by "new", i mean the things you're not supposed to do cause sometimes, the things we hate make us feel most alive. For example, If you don't like rain, go out and dance in the rain and see the magic happening right there. 

I know these will be the temporary moments of happiness but you can try to keep yourself engaged. 

A great tip is to write notes for yourself. Discuss things with yourself and find solutions as per your situation! A healthy self-talk is important.

In the end, always know that you'll be okay. Nothing lasts forever and the same goes for these tough times too!

IT'S OKAY not to ACT strong if you don't feel like it. And not knowing how to tackle a tough situation won't make you weak at all!

 Just remind yourself that you have to be responsible for your happiness so give yourself all the love you deserve. 

"The happier you'll be, the stronger you'll feel"

And yeahhhh!! You're not only gonna be okay but also blossom like a flower...soon or later but one day for sure! :))

October

"October is the month of falling in love"

"And why do you think so?"

"Umm...maybe because it has the vibes of 'fall'!"

"Does it? Or you said that just because everyone says so..."

"No-no! It's about the hues of fall, the craving for warmth when surroundings feel cold..."

"Or maybe you associate the 'falling of leaves' with 'falling in love'?" 

"Maybe"

"October feels sad to me"

"Why?"

"See, leaves are falling down from the trees. It's the detachment! The trees used to be green once..."

"They're now becoming leafless? They seem to be dead?"

"Yeah! As if someone has taken their lives away! Moreover, the leaves, which were green only because they were attached to the tree. They're lifeless now and the saddest part is, they'll never be alive again."

"But the trees will grow new leaves and get back to life soon after!"

"That's what detachment is about! Initially, both become lifeless but one of them moves on with time finding new ones to flourish themselves but the other one completely loses its existence."

"That's sad. And how weird of us that we get happy seeing someone's departure right?"

"Indeed!"